Posted by Marty on: 05.16.2006 /
I will never forget the first time I happened across the Off The Map website and saw one of the video’s of Jim interviewing the “Lost” and the pledge he asked the audience to take - with a focus on listening. Off the Map Pledge of Kindness
When I was 18 I would tag along with our interim minister visiting people in hospitals and nursing homes. I was always very nervous to do that - and don’t remember sharing anything of any significance - I was just present and listening. A couple of times after the patient had died - I received these incredible notes back from a member of the deceased family telling me how important my visit had been - and what a great conversationalist I was. This was the start for me of realizing what a tremendous gift listening is - and how it can make a tremendous impact on other peoples lives.
I later came to the realization that in addition to the importance of listening - it is an even greater gift to listen in a way that provides the other a safe place to be real.
The combination of these things led me in later life to become a Hospice patient care volunteer. Coming along side someone who is dying is the most fulfilling thing that I have ever done. It was during those visits that I learned to not only listen, but to tune into the pace of the patient, allowing silence at times and listening at other times when the patients’ energy level was higher. I learned that I was often the only person that the patient felt comfortable sharing their experience of dying.
On this blog and discussion board there have been times that people seemed to have truly listened and even times when the listening and feedback was so good that people felt safe to allow their vulnerability to surface, let go of fascades, peel back our onions - and be totally real. Those that are willing to share with us in that way become our teachers.
When I feel that I am at my very best - I not only do these things - but I totally let go of my own agenda and thinking about what I am going to say next. I wish I could do it more - but I savor those moments.
Have you noticed the times when people have listened (read) and responded in such a way that someone else opened up and you could just sense we were all sharing some incredible moments?
My sense is that the one thing we all share in common is a tremendous desire to help make the world a better place.
What experiences have you had in being given the gift of being listened to?
When have you given the gift of listening - and how did that make you feel?
What role do you think listening plays in helping make the world a better place?
Comment by: Jim Henderson
1I have a friend named Mike- I call him my human reality check0- whenever I think about doing something big/brave or hard I think ” What would Mike say if I asked him if I should do this”
Once when I decided to take up running I asked Mike how far I should run every day? ” How long do you want to keep running” he asked, well until I lose 10 lbs “then what” “then I want to stop running” “why start”, he asked? Why not do something you can keep up - something thats doable for you.
I started walking and never ran again.
I think listening is the # 1 doable practice ordinary people can learn and keep up if they want to MTWABP.
We tend to think of BIG stuff, dramatic stuff, but it is really all the small stuff that we can do that will matter in the end not the big stuff we talk about doing
For my money Listening is the most doable way to make the world a better place
Comment by: Peter in Pennsylvania
2I am not a natural listener. I love the sound of my own voice. But I have found more satisfaction in just listening to somebody who wants to be listened to (and more often than not JUST listened to) than just about anything in life.
Comment by: Ir
3I agree.
There’s a general principle that scarceness makes something valuable. I think it’s the rarity of good listeners that makes listening such a valuable thing in our world. It wouldn’t be such a big deal if there was as much listening available as talking people wanted to do.
Some people reach adulthood - I believe - having not been listened to much at all up to that point in their lives. I think it’s a bit much to expect them to be good listeners until they’ve had a (significant) go at at being listened to.
I guess I’m saying that listening to our kids is pretty important.
Peter, thanks for your honesty. I would be surprised to find anyone who wasn’t that way. My husband and I laugh at this (I don’t remember where it came from):
“Ok, I’ve talked about myself enough. What do YOU think of me?” :)
I like this too:
Real listening is not just being quiet until the other person stops talking and you can start again!
Real listening is ‘active’ listening where you give the other person your full attention while they talk (instead of planning your next comment and waiting for a gap in their words). Then, based on what they just said, you are curious enough about them to ask a follow-up question when they stop talking - letting them continue to have the floor.
The ironic thing is that it really can be more fun to converse this way, because at least then you know the other person is going to enjoy the conversation!
Comment by: Ir
4One more thought: being affirming without crossing over into interrupting with your affirmations (head nodding & eye contact work - it needn’t even involve words) is important in being a good listener also - imo.
Comment by: becca
5Hi Ir,
Just to clarify: are you saying that our positive body language can serve as a distraction as well? I didn’t quite understand how you phrased that.
Comment by: Ir
6Hi becca,
Thanks for asking. What I meant was, we can affirm with body language and the advantage that has over words is that we’re not interrupting the other person.
I was trying to say that body language can be a good way to affirm someone but I guess I didn’t make myself very clear!
Comment by: Eliza
7Busy at work the past few days, have been thinking about this, watching myself listen to patients and watching others interact. Reading here has been enlightening, but (for me, at least) it’s a quite different type of input and interaction than listening to someone face-to-face. But involvement here has made me much more aware of listening, and the effects on both the listener and the listenee (= speaker) of how that’s done. It’s pretty clear that it means alot to my patients, to be listened to - but not just that, also to have their values and concerns folded into the medical approach we come up with for their care.
Face-to-face listening is for me a multisensory experience - I find myself using my eyes alot, too, and the visual input gives additional clues about what their words mean to them, can sometimes suggest there’s something that’s being left unsaid, can help me figure out the emotional context. Besides being another way to connect (eye-to-eye contact, not just voice-to-ear). And both the words and the visuals seem to be clues as to what might be best to do next - keep listening, perhaps after a clarifying question - or respond, usually to the emotion as well as to the words, often using the person’s words in the reply to show they words and meaning have been heard. (At work, I do usually have to figure out how I’m going to respond, before too long, because we usually need to be figuring what we’re going to do next with the person’s evaluation or treatment. I did have a mostly listen-and-hug interaction yesterday, a patient of mine just diagnosed with an aggressive breast cancer, who had a treatment plan - mastectomy today, chemotherapy once healed from the surgery - and who at that time needed someone to listen most of all.)
For me, some of the learning here is figuring out how to just listen - without also trying to problem-solve, and also how to listen about a topic that I don’t have particular knowledge about (just an opinion ;) ) or ‘comfort’ to give, and which is personal in a different way than pain or worry or moods or lifestyle. (And in which there is some risk that the other person will be making assumptions about what I think/believe, which I know I can leave unaddressed, but am growing less willing to do so.) So, those are just some thoughts on this…
Comment by: Marty
8Eliza - your patients are lucky to have you as their doctor.
Comment by: KSG
9This is a great post Marty, I wish I had more time to contribute to it… the art of listening, the language of intimacy and the gift of silence… these are ideas I’ve been thinking about a lot lately.
Comment by: Lisa
10I ran my name through an anagram program. Lisa Wellington spells out:
ALLOW LISTENING or
ALLOWING SILENT.
Which to me means I need either to shut the heck up or I’m good at listening.
I think it is cool that ‘listen’and ’silent’ have the same letters.
Comment by: Julie Marie
11one of the biggest losses we will face when we leave SC is our family doctor. He listens to everything I say until I am done talking before he tells me his plan. I like him so much we don’t have a pediatrician. We have a doctor that knows every memeber of our family, and how we function as a unit. That is rare. Eliza, you are definitely on the right track.