Posted by Marty on: 05.16.2006 /
I just had a very poignant moment with my 93 year old mom. Yesterday she was telling Lynn and I that she was going to take her grand daughter out of her will because she had cut off her relationship with her dad (my brother) - basically ending any relationship that she had had with my mother, my brother and myself with her and her five children. This is very painful for all of us.
This morning I took mom out on the patio where we watched the birds and had a talk. I asked mom what she felt she would accomplish by cutting her grand daughter out of her will. She felt that by doing so - she was supporting her son and not allowing her to be rewarded for her actions. I asked her what that would accomplish - and it occurred to her that that would only make things worse in the family.
I then asked what would happen if she did the opposite. What if she went ahead and left her in the will - and sent a note to be given to her after Mom’s passing - something like “Dear Grand Daughter. I was feeling such pain for having been cut off from you and my wonderful grandchildren that I thought about removing you from my will. When I thought about it more - I realized that you too must be feeling similar pain, that you too are missing your relationship with all of us - and I realized that I could never stop loving you - and I could never cut you out of my will - despite the pain. So I leave you this check and want you to know that no matter what you do - I will always love you.” Mom and I cried and nothing more needed to be said.
We have had times when someone has brought out the best in us - and other times when someone says or does something that brings out the worst in us. I will never forget my Dean in Junior College who asked to see my mother when I was flunking out of Junior College for the second time. This old Dean was a rebel himself and really knew me and what I was about. He turned to my mom and said “Mrs. Jenkins - I know that it must be very difficult for you that your son is flunking out of Junior College for the second time. I just want you to know that I really know Marty - and no matter what he decides to do he will be a success.” I have lived my life to prove that he was right.
On this board I have changed and I have watched others change for the good. There are those on this board that help me think more deeply while at the same time their kindness to me and others brings out the very best of who I am - and draws me to be very open to their inputs.
What is your story of someone, sometime or something that has brought out the best in who you are?
What are the messages, information, tone from your experiences on this board that has made you think more deeply and bring out the best in you?
What do you do to bring out the best in others?
Comment by: Jim Henderson
1Marty - Thanks for knowing how to ask these kinds of questions - have to go paint - back later
Comment by: Julie Marie
2My son has provided me a reason to become my best. When I look at his open face, experience the completeness of his trust, and understand his dependence on me, I find in myself the strength to confront what needs confronting in myself and in my marriage. Its not easy for me, but when I think: what my son sees me model is what he will think is normal in a woman, and the marriage he witnesses will be, most likely, what he thinks is a normal marriage. I want that picture to be of two healthy, balanced, people meeting life’s challenges together, supporting each other as we work to achieve dreams, and enjoying together this precious gift of life. I want him to see that an argument isn’t the end of love, that husbands and wives can disagree and argue about something in the afternoon, but by evening be able to enjoy each other again. Without Cody, I do not think I would have had the motivation to stand up and say “things have got to change.”
I have always been a stickler for proper communication. I know the rules, and certainly, believe the best communication follows those rules. BUT…my biggest learning from this board, and what has taken the most discipline from me, is to keep listening to the message even when the tone is strident. To not discount what is said just because I don’t like how it is said. And that learning translates very effectively into the other areas of my life. I’ve become much slower to offend, and therefore more able to hear the intended message.
I am an encourager, and I am not afraid to take a risk. I give permission to myself and the people in my life to try new things. Change a plan. Put flesh on a dream. For instance, my husband joined the Coast Guard for the GI bill. But when time came to get out, he had reservations. What if school wasn’t for him? What if he couldn’t do it? (his last experience with school had been at a time when he was more interested in parties and girls than studying, so he didn’t have much confidence in his intellect.) His mother advised him to stay in, he had a good career, don’t take the risk. I told him: “You have a fine mind. Try school for a year. If you don’t like it, the Coast Guard will take you back.” He took a chance on himself and his dreams, and he is surpassing all of his self-expectations (but I knew this would happen ;)). He has since told me if I hadn’t been there, he would never have taken that risk. I am so happy I was able to encourage him.
Comment by: Lisa W.
3I would say that I have more confidence around the idea of starting up or contributing to conversations about spirituality/beliefs. I feel that my involvement in this blog has helped me strengthen some internal stuctures in order to sustain extended listening and learning.
Comment by: Peter in Pennsylvania
4The first teacher who thought I was really smart was my fourth grade teacher. And she really let me know it.
If I’m smart, it’s because of her.
Comment by: becca
5My physics teacher in high school (Susie Evers, if anyone ever meets her) would bring kleenex to me in the library as I cried over the homework I never thought I would understand. She was so opposite of me: I, a theatre major w/broadway aspirations and she: chair of the national physics AP exam. She always made time to encourage me, make me feel smart and dig out any talent for science I might have lying around!