Posted by Marty on: 05.16.2006 /
I live in Goleta, next to Santa Barbara with my wife of three years - Lynn. Six months ago we came within 3 weeks of final divorce (we call it undivorced) when we reassesed what was really important to us - what was really of value - and we came back together in a new way.
Some talk about Interfaith work - Lynn and I practice it. I am active in a Presbyterian Church, Quakers Meeting (we were married in a Quaker wedding), Saint Anthony’s Community (where the laity is in charge and where much of the pedophelia ocurred), I am very involved with Voice of the Faithful which is bringing about fundamental change in the Catholic Church and I am active in the Interfaith Initiative of Santa Barbara, where people of the Islamic Faith have become equal partners in leadership and a Hindu has joined the Board. I am on the Strategic Planning Committee of La Casa de Maria (where Lynn and I were married) and the Immaculate Heart Center for Spiritual Renewal where I co-chaired a major fundraising event for two years.
This Atheist/Christian Blog and Discussion Board has changed my life. I now have new Atheist friends - some of which I had known - but didn’t know they are Atheists. I have been attending the Santa Barbara Humanist Society. Although I think (and hope) that I have let go of my stereotyping and prejudice relative to Atheists, each day I am learning something new from this board.
I have developed a program focused on Respectful Dialogue which has now expanded to include Atheists in the dialogue.
My sense is that something very special is emerging from Jim and Hemants adventure - and my hope for my time in being guest blogger is that I will be able to build on where Eliza has taken us and see if we can add a practical aspect of appreciating each other, learning from each other and making the world a better place.
I ask you to join me in exploring the greatest possible manifestation of the very best of who each of us are and what we might do collectively.
In case I haven’t already “linked” you to death - the links below will tell you more about what I believe and where I am coming from.
Leave a Reply
Comment by: Ir
1 05/16/06 5:09 AM | Comment Link |Marty, thanks for sharing about yourself and what projects you’re involved in.
I’m so impressed that you and your wife managed to turn your marriage around when it was on the brink of divorce.
I think it takes a lot of humility, courage and vulnerability from each of you to be willing to undertake a ‘marriage rebuilding and restoration’ project when a marriage has got to that point. So many couples figure that’s a hopeless situation and give up and get divorced. Which maybe is all they can do but that solution does seem to introduce another set of problems and another level of complexity into their lives, at least when if have children.
I’m so glad the two of you managed to hold onto hope and turn the marriage around.
Comment by: TXatheist
2 05/16/06 5:44 AM | Comment Link |Marty,
Would you be willing to explain what went wrong in your marriage and how you corrected it? I don’t necessarily mean details but finance was a big issue for us and we are doing great now as far as how we spend. I’ve worked on my bluntness and temper and that has made our marriage much smoother.
Comment by: Ir
3 05/16/06 5:59 AM | Comment Link |TX that’s great that you took ownership of how you could help make your marriage better.
Some people seem to have trouble accepting that both marriage partners are very likely contributing to whatever makes a marriage challenging.
Which I think is a shame, because our power to change a relationship mostly lies in our ability to change ourselves.
We have a very limited ability to change others. We can set boundaries and tell them what we can’t accept; and we can lead by example and hope they will follow. But we can’t make them change.
(Based on my experience and in my opinion ;))
Comment by: Julie Marie
4 05/16/06 7:47 AM | Comment Link |I’d say that is a true barometer (there I go, another meter, oh dear!) of a person’s ability to love with maturity: when they become aware of an unacceptable behavior, are they willing to change it? I am - when I discovered, much to my embarrassment, that I have passive aggressive tendencies - I worked hard learn to voice my disagreement, rather than bury it. And my husband attends equally to those issues I have brought to him. (won’t share them here - that wouldn’t be fair) But he works on his stuff too. So we both feel very well loved.
Comment by: Marty
5 05/16/06 8:42 AM | Comment Link |This may not be the best time to talk about our marriage - as last night I took two hours to try to get my blogging going (later found out I had not been enabled) and then another two hours in the middle of the night getting to know the system and writing this blog - so my wife did not get up thinking how great it was that I am doing this - but aside from that….
Lynn and I were married at 60. Her third marriage and my second - plus several relationships other than that that were not marriages - that combined with our own family histories (which are extremely different) makes for lots of baggage and ghosts to content with.
One of our issues related to money. We are both fortunate to own property in Santa Barbara/Carpinteria for a number of years - so we have a lot of equity - while at the same time - cash flow is a real challenge. Sometimes I say I am retired and sometimes I say I am unemployed. Lynn manages a mini-storage. At times Lynn is jealous of the freedom I have to do what I want - when I want - including this blog.
When we were married - Lynn moved into my Santa Barbara home - and we could never come up with a figure that we both felt was fair relative to her contribution to living there. We now both rent out the places we own and have rented a nice smaller (than my home) home in Goleta. There is no problem splitting the costs associated with this home - so if we had it to do over - we would have moved into an “ours” house in the first place.
While we were separate - I had another relationship and Lynn became a bit of hermit. In both cases - we learned to appreciate each other more. Lynn in particular had a reassessment of what is really important in life and came to the conclusion that I did indeed have those characteristics that were most important - and we renewed our belief/committment that we were each the person we wanted to grow old with and live our lives out with. I had always said that neither of us is perfect, but we both wanted to be in relationship and live our lives out with a partner - and that neither of us were likely to find someone that we would appreciate more than the other.
I also believe that there are lots of things going on in relationship that the partners are not in touch with at a conscious level - which can and do sabotage relationships.
I believe that one of the greatest gifts we can give someone is to be transparent - and I hope that helps someone.
Comment by: Jim Henderson
6 05/16/06 12:26 PM | Comment Link |Thanks Marty for bringing your real self to the party
Comment by: Eliza
7 05/17/06 7:46 AM | Comment Link |Marty - thanks for including those links - I knew you were planning how to move ahead in the ‘real world’ & your Respectful Dialogue site shows how much thought and planning you have done on this! Wonderful stuff!
Comment by: Bruce
8 05/18/06 6:23 PM | Comment Link |Just a tiny hello. I am a friend of Marty’s, in Santa Barbara, and I am interested in interfaith stuff. Marty has been telling us how excited he is about this group, so I just had to drop by. It’s very encouraging to see how “good people anywhere” can come together and “MTWABP”. :):):)
“Respectful Dialogue” is What’s Happenin’!
- Bruce