Posted by Marty on: 05.17.2006 /
Recognizing that my heavy thoughts and questions may be a bit much - and you might feel particularly grateful if I would let go of this “make the world a better place” stuff - let’s take a time out to share our favorite Christian or Atheist joke. Here is one to get us going:
A TEST OF FAITH
I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who had that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear.
The lady, who was obviously crying, said, “Pastor, I was born blind, and I’ve been blind all my life. I don’t mind so much being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed.”
The pastor asked her, “Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?” “Yes I do,” she replied. “Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane,” he said. “Then tell them ‘If you had more faith that wouldn’t hurt’ “!
Comment by: Peter in Pennsylvania
1Q. How many Unitarians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to write a solemn statement which will affirm that:
o This light bulb is natural, a part of the universe, and evolved over many years by small steps,
o There must be no discrimination against dark bulbs in any form, and means must be found for all dark bulbs to take their place alongside light bulbs on a basis of equality,
o We affirm the right of all bulbs to screw into the sockets of their choice regardless of the bulb’s illumination preference,
and
o We seek for each light bulb the fullest opportunity to develop itself to its full electrical potential.
A second Unitarian to read this statement, even if he or she is the only human being to do so, and then write the obligatory criticism and dissent, and a third Unitarian to light a single candle instead of cursing the darkness.
Comment by: Ir
2Marty - great idea to have a mid-week break for jokes :)
Comment by: Julie Marie
3A guy woke up one Sunday morning and said to his mother, “I’m not going to church today!” When she asked why he told her, “I have two reasons, 1. because I don’t like those people and 2. they don’t like me.”
The mother looked at him and sternly said, “yes, son you are going to church today also for two reasons, 1. You’re 40 years old and should me more mature and 2. you’re the pastor
Comment by: Eliza
4On the light bulb theme, from another board:
HOW MANY CHRISTIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
Charismatic: Only one. Hands already in the air.
Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
Roman Catholic and Orthodox: None. Candles only.
Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved — you can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Churchwide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
Lutheran: None. Lutherans don’t believe in change.
Amish: What’s a light bulb?
Comment by: becca
5Searched through old emails for one to send:
The Baptist Dog
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided they needed a dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be Baptist. They visited an expensive kennel and explained their needs to the manager, who assured them he had just the dog for them.
The dog was produced and the manager said “Fetch the Bible.” The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the manager. The manager then said “Find Psalms 23.” The dog, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed thru the Bible, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw.
Duly impressed, the couple purchased the dog. That evening a group of parishioners came to visit. The preacher and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were amazed.
Finally, one man asked “Can he do normal dog tricks too?” “Let’s see” said the preacher. Pointing his finger at the dog, he commanded “Heel!” The dog immediately jumped up on a chair, placed one paw on the preacher’s forehead and began to howl.
The preacher turned to his wife and exclaimed “Good grief, we’ve bought a Pentecostal dog!”
Comment by: Marty
6There were these two church members who each had a parrot. They were sharing stories about their parrots and the first parrot owner said “my parrot is really religious - she keeps saying ‘let us pray - let us pray’”
The other parrot owner looked at the first and somewhat reluctantly had to confess “there is something wrong with my parrot - he keeps saying ‘lets make love, lets make love’”
The two parrot owners then got the brilliant idea that they should get their two parrots together so that the religious parrot could straighten out the parrot who had gone astray.
The fateful day came when they got the two parrots together. The second parrot said “lets make love, lets make love” The first parrot reacted with glee “my prayers have been answered!”
Comment by: TXatheist
7One day God was looking down to earth and saw all of the evil that was going on.
He decided to send an angel down to earth to check it out so he called on a female angel and sent her to earth for a time. When she returned she told God, “yes it is bad on earth, 95% is bad and 5% is good.”
Well, He thought for a moment and said maybe I had better send down a male angel. To get both points of view. So God called a male angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the male angel returned he went to God and told him yes the earth was in decline, 95% was bad and 5% was good.
God said this was not good. He would send a letter to the 5% that were good and encourage them, something to help them keep going. Do you know what that letter said?
Oh, you didn’t get one ? Sorry, my bad.
Comment by: Tom in Sacramento
8Okay. Now you’ve got a topic I can really get into. First though, since several have gotten into the Llight bulb thing, I think a teachable moment has arisen and I need to make a point of clarification.
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but
recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don’t emit light;
they suck dark. Thus we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.
The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that
dark has mass and is heavier than light.
First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electrical bulbs
suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room yuou are in.
There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The
larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers
in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones
in this room.
So with all things, Dark Suckers don’t last forever. Once they are
full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on
a full Dark Sucker.
A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick.
You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing
all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the
wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in
the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of
these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.
There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can’t
handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit.
When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced
before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the
mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker.
Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick
instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and
therefore it’s not wise to touch an operating candle.
Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the
surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly
swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When
you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the
heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats
at the top. This is why it is called light.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to
stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet and slowly opened the
closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since
dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.
Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.
Comment by: Tom in Sacramento
9Okay, now, on topic:
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an airplane. After a while the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?”
The rabbi responds, “Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.”
The priest then asks, “Have you ever eaten pork?” To which the rabbi replies, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.”
The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, “Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?”
The priest replied, “Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.”
The rabbi then asked him, “Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?” The priest replied, “Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.”
The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, “Beats the heck out of a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?”
————-
Or there’s this…
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t
stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, “I have
a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.
“She answers, “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask
that would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that, but: #1, you have
to be single and #2 you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I’m Catholic
too!”
“OK” the nun says “Pull into the next alley” He does and the nun fulfils
his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?”
“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I’m married
and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween
party.”
Comment by: Peter in Pennsylvania
10Eliza, here’s one more
HOW MANY QUAKERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
None. They sit around quietly in a circle and wait for God to do it…
Comment by: KSG
11Okay here’s two of my current favorites…
Man on a bridge
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: “Stop. Don’t do it.”
“Why shouldn’t I?” he asked.
“Well, there’s so much to live for!”
“Like what?”
“Are you religious?”
He said, “Yes.”
I said, “Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?”
“Christian.”
“Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?”
“Protestant.”
“Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?”
“Baptist.”
“Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?”
“Baptist Church of God.”
“Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?”
“Reformed Baptist Church of God.”
“Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?”
He said: “Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915.”
I said: “Die, heretic scum,” and pushed him off.
And now the 2nd one…
The Trinity were planning a holiday. The Spirit, manifesting the creative part of the divine nature, was coming up with the ideas. “Let’s go to New York,” he suggested.
“No, no, no,” said the Father, “They’re all so liberated, they’ll spend the whole time calling me ‘Mother’ and it will just do my head in.”
So the Spirit sat back and thought. “I know, what about Jerusalem?” he said. “It’s beautiful and then there’s the history and everything.”
“No way!” the Son declared. “After what happened the last time, I’m never going there again!”
At this point, the Spirit got annoyed and went off in a huff. Sometime later he returned and found that the Father and Son had had a idea they both thought was excellent:
“Why don’t we go to Rome?” said the Son.
“Perfect!” cried the Holy Spirit. “I’ve never been there before!”
Comment by: Ir
12This was one of my favorite jokes from the sermons preached at Moody Church:
An American was travelling and visited the Vatican and saw a gold telephone there. He asked what it was. “That phone is a line to God. To place a call on it will cost you 10 Euros.”
Later on he visit Notre-Dame in Paris and they had a gold telephone also. He asked about it. “That phone is a line to God. To place a call on it will cost you 8 Euros.”
When he was back in the US he noticed that lo and behold, his own church had a gold telephone! He asked if it was a line to God. “Yes - it will cost you a quarter to place a call”.
“Only a quarter?? They told me it would cost 10 euros in Rome and 8 euros in Paris? Why is it so cheap here?”
“Because from here it’s only a local call!”
Comment by: Tom in Sacramento
13The Pope comes out on the balcony overlooking St. Peter’s Square. He does the sign of the cross and blesses the crowd. And then he speaks…
“I have good news and bad news. The good news is that the Lord has returned. The bad news is that we have to go to Salt Lake City to see Him.”
Comment by: Jim Henderson
14My favorite so far
Comment by: NCxian
15Okay, I don’t see any atheist jokes here, so . . .
2 hikers are treking through the woods. They come around a bend and, lo and behold, a huge black bear is straight ahead no more than 50 feet. One guy stands completely still. The other drops his back pack, pulls out running shoes, and begins to unlace his boots.
The standing-still guy says, “man, those shoes are not going to help you outrun that bear”.
The other guy says, “I don’t have to outrun the bear.”
(Okay, it has nothing to do with atheism, I just think it’s funny. But nobody prayed or anything in it).
Comment by: NCxian
16How about this one.
A priest wakes up one beautiful Sunday morning and decides he just can’t stand it, he has to go golfing. So he calls his assistant and says, “I am deathly ill and cannot even get out of bed. You will have to cover for me this morning”. Then he packs up his clubs and heads to a golf course a couple of counties over where nobody will recognize him.
God and St. Peter are watching the priest as he gets ready to tee off. St. Peter is livid, and thinks God needs to punish this guy. God smiles and says, “Watch this”.
The guy hauls off and smacks the ball, it flies straight toward the hole, bounces two or three times and plops into the hole–a hole in one!
St. Peter is really mad now. He says “For heaven’s sakes, God, how is that punishment?!?!”
God chuckles and says, “Who’s he going to tell?”
Comment by: Eliza
17Hee hee! My favorite so far is Kevin and the cabbie, but they’re all great! Marty, this hits the spot today!
Here’s one:
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church.
However, the atheist’s life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good- natured, whereas the pious man’s job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting very heavy, and his kids wouldn’t give him the time of the day.
So one day, deep in prayer as usual, he raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: “Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?”
And a great voice was heard from above:
“BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!”
Comment by: damannion
18Another version of Ir’s:
A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes.
He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which read “$10,000 a minute.” Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.
As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, St. Louis, Chicago, Milwaukee, and around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor. Finally, he arrived in Mississippi. Upon entering a church in Hattiesburg, MS behold, he saw
the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read “calls, 35 cents”.
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. “Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call. Why?”
The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, “Son, you’re in the South now….It’s a local call.”
Comment by: Tom in Sacramento
19A priest decides to go out golfing one Sunday afternoon and so he asks a nun to come along to caddy for him.
He addresses the ball on the first tee, hits a nice shot to the green. The ball rolls within a foot of the cup. He putts and misses. “Damn, I missed,” he yells.
The nun replies, “Father, you shouldn’t talk like that; especially on Sunday. Who knows? The Lord may strike you dead.”
Several holes repeat with similar strokes and dialog. And finally, the heavens part, a lightning bolt streaks from the sky….and the nun falls over dead. And from the heavens booms a voice, “DAMN, I MISSED.”
Comment by: txnewswoman
20A man who had a beloved canine companion, Jack, was grieving the loss of his dog one day, and approached his neighborhood priest to ask if the holy man would conduct a funeral for his pet.
The priest blasted him for even making such a suggestion: “Maybe those loony Unitarians down the road would have a service for yer mongrel, lad, but we’ll be doing no such thing in this Holy Catholic Church.”
The man sighed and said, “Perhaps you’re right. I’m sure the Unitarians could use the $100,000 memorial gift I was going to make in Jack’s name or their building fund or something.”
“Well, now, let’s not be hasty, young man,” the priest blurted out. “Why didn’t you tell me your dog was Catholic?!?”
Comment by: Geraint
21Ok then,
The CEO of McDonalds, after an advertisement brainwave, pays a visit to the pope. He tells the pope:
‘I’ll pay you a million pounds if you change the line in the lords’ prayer to “give us our daily happy meal”‘, the pope refused, so the CEO tries again:
‘Very well, 50 million pounds’
The pope asked him to leave and let him consider the offer, so he gathers in all the cardinals in the Vatican to him and tells them:
‘I’ve got some good news and some bad news, the good news is that I can get the church millions of pounds, the bad news is that we’re going to have to cancel the contract with wonderloaf’.
Comment by: Mike O
22Q: What did the Calvinist say after he fell down the stairs?
A: Boy, am I glad that’s over!
Comment by: Mike O
23A Baptist minister, a catholic priest and a pentecostal pastor are discussing how they handle the tithe.
The priest says, I draw a line down the middle of my office. Then I take the tithe and throw it up in the air. Whatever falls on my side of the line is mine to keep and whatever falls on the other side of the line is used to further the work of the Lord.
The Baptist says, Oh, ye of little faith! I draw a circle on the floor in my office. I stand in the circle and throw the tithe up in the air. Whatever falls inside the circle is mine to keep and whatever falls outside the circle goes to further the work of the Lord.
The pentecostal says, Oh, ye of greater little faith! I draw no lines on the floor at all. I just throw the whole tithe up into the air and whatever the Lord needs, he keeps.
Comment by: Mike O
24A jew, a catholic and a pentecostal are sitting on a bench across the street from the local bar, when lo and behold a rabbi walks into the bar.
The pentecostal says, “Hmmph. Did you see that? A rabbi going into a bar! What a shame.”
A little later, they see a priest walk into the bar.
Again the pentecostal says, “Tsk tsk. Such a travesty to see a man of the cloth fall so low.”
A little later still, they see the pentecostal’s own pastor walk into the same bar.
The jew and the catholic look at him accusingly. And the pentecostal says, “Boy, someone must be really sick in there!”
Comment by: Mike O
25How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Give it time.