Being in Church with Doubts

Posted by Ir (Helen) on: 05.30.2006 /

My personal experience of being in church Saturday evening was a lot like how it was the last few years when I went to church every week. That’s why I decided to write about this separately rather than include it in my Vineyard church service comments.

After I had serious doubts about the foundations of my faith, I looked hard for ways church could continue to be a positive experience for me.

What was positive for me about church

• Church was a time away from ‘normal’ life. It was a mental break.
• Church was a place to be with some of my friends.
• Church was often about encouraging me to be a better person. My doubts hadn’t stopped me wanting to be a better person, so I appreciated that encouragement. I still agreed in part with my church’s definition of what a ‘better person’ is and with some of their suggestions about how to become one.
• Church was often about how to cope with life better. I agreed with a lot of my church’s definition of what coping with life better looked like and I also agreed with some of their suggestions for coping with life better.
• Church often used words and music I liked. I was having trouble with the word God but I still loved the words like love, joy, hope and peace. And I still liked some of the music.

What was negative for me about church

• There was not enough ‘reality’ check on how the church viewed the rest of the world. It seemed like every time I went I would hear something negative about people outside the church, or about life the rest of the time we were not in church, that didn’t match my own experience. I’m not referring to church statements which directly result from their theology - I accepted that if I went to church those were a ‘given’. I’m thinking of statements whose accuracy could have been improved without undermining the church’s basic beliefs.

  The church’s response to these inaccurate and negative statements was to treat the symptoms:the fear and worry the wrong thinking produced, rather than the problem itself: the wrong thinking that led to the inaccurate statements. They treated the symptoms by reminding each other of their beliefs about God which were intended to take away fear and worry.

  I do think that can reduce fear and worry. However, it doesn’t fix the underlying problem of the wrong thinking. Which concerns me because (it seems to me) the problem tends to be very visible to everyone else and put up barriers between Evangelical Christians and everyone else.

• Telling the truth was so complicated at church. Most of the time I didn’t try to tell anyone about my doubts. It was so complicated to explain and it wasn’t a fun conversation at all. So that meant I went along with what others said and said things that fitted in the ROAA (range of acceptable answers). But then I felt like a liar and a hypocrite. I couldn’t figure out how to resolve that. You maybe read how badly it went when I tried to talk to a pastor about a month ago about my current state of non-faith.

Visiting a service again after not attending church for eight months

I revisited my thoughts about how a church service could be a positive experience for me once I had volunteered to attending a service with my cousin-in-law and husband.

At the service I used the worship time to reflect, as well as listening to the words out of curiosity. And I sang some of the time – why not? I enjoy singing sometimes. I wasn’t moved emotionally by the worship because I had made the decision a while ago that I couldn’t risk seeking emotional comfort from anyone whose existence and character I was as unsure about as God.

When the pastor spoke, I listened and thought about anything she said that might apply to me. For instance, she talked about wrong attitudes in relationships – I could relate to that since it was about me and others rather than me and God. She asked questions like “Is pride an issue? Are you thinking ‘my ideas are better than yours – I can do this better than you””? I thought seriously about whether such things were issues for me.

This thinking didn’t have the emotional component it used to have when my main motivation to be a better person was to please God. In those days, if I fell short of good behavior I thought I was capable of, I would be sorry that I had disappointed God. Now I still consider whether I am doing the best I can, but I appreciate not having so much emotional overlay.

Will I go again?

Going on Saturday was an interesting and positive experience for me personally, overall. I didn’t regret my decision to accompany my cousin-in-law and husband in visiting a church service while they were here. But it didn’t create any desire in me to start going to church regularly again.

For me, attending a church service is too much like buying a whole meal which includes significant amounts of food I don’t like. Then I have to go through and pick out the few bits I do like and throw the rest away. I’d rather buy the food I like item by item and leave the whole meals for people who like everything in them to purchase.

Also - it’s one thing to visit a church once and choose not to share what’s complicated about me. It’s quite another to think about being part of a community and not being able to be myself because it would be too complicated and awkward. I’m trying to avoid being in that situation again.

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