Posted by Jason on: 10.13.2008 /
I have four children. I remember when they were all still babies before they started school but when they were old enough to just enjoy life and play. These little, walking, talking, cute engines of learning. They’d pick up everything, every fact, every facet of a topic. They learn behaviour that works, kindness was reciprocated, meanness led to rejection.
I’d take them to the playground, the park, the shops, a walk, anywhere, they’d meet other kids and POW. They’d have a new friend. Just like that, laughing, playing, running, giggling little friends. Friends. There was never any pressure to act in a certain way, to conform or to rebel. I’d look at these lovely little balls of energy making friends and I’d feel jealous. All around the playground you could see parents, aunts, grandparents, all sitting about in their own groups or alone, not talking. Me too.
When was the last time you just met someone and decided that you could be friends with them? Without any worries. No concern that the person you’d just met might be some kind of freak, that they might have problems to load on you, that they might judge you, want to sleep with you, think that you were crazy, anything.
When was the last time that you met someone and they were just a friend?
I’d looked at my kids, running around and enjoying the company of their new friends, and realised that there is nothing left for them to learn about human beings other than how terribly disappointing they can and will be.
Right now, in the eyes of every single two year old in the world, everyone they meet is equal. They don’t judge that someone is less than they are because of race or religion. They don’t care if you are male or female. If you’re gay or straight it mean nothing to them, nothing at all. They don’t care if someone with a learning disability or physical disability can’t keep up, they just play a different game.
To a two year old everyone is equally good. All they have left to learn is that they are not. They will learn that people will judge you and that it is OK to judge other people. They learn that there is a hierarchy to living, that people are not equal because they aren’t treated equally. They will learn that the things that they are bad at should be hidden so as not to cause embarrassment and the things that they are good at should be kept equally quiet so that they don’t invite jealousy.
They’ll learn that those things about themselves that are different and cannot be changed like their skin colour, the fact that they suffer from dyslexia or myopia, their gender or religion, any of these sort of things will mark them as separate. They will stay away from what is different and form into groups of those who are similar. Not because it’s right but because it’s easy. Step by step they learn that differences set them apart and so they must conform.
Challenging this is really difficult. How do you reverse the trend? How do you open yourself up again to just making friends with people? Christians seem to have the sincere belief that this state is reached only in heaven. For me, that’s just giving up on the idea as possible during the normal span of living. How do we change our attitude so that we can accept others for what they are?
Comment by: Mike O
1Why do you say that?
Maybe I’m missing your point, but unless *everyone* looks at it this way, you pretty much can’t trust people till you get to know them.
If a two-year-old trusts someone, and shouldn’t, they might get pushed down or their truck stolen. If an adult trusts someone, and they shouldn’t, much worse things can happen.
Again, maybe I’m missing the point, but doesn’t this happen all the time? I would call that person an acquaintance rather than a friend, but people are nice (or, at least, civil) to people they don’t know very well all the time … aren’t they?
Comment by: Jason
2I get the impression that a pure state of innocence is something that Christians aspire to and that this is only attainable in heaven. Have I got this completely wrong?
There is a point in life where this is true. before that point you trust everyone until they demonstrate otherwise.
Well I try to be but I do experience and witness an awful lot of hostility from random strangers. This might be because they don’t care how they treat a stranger who they will probably never see again or because they have learnt that hostility is the expected norm and so utilise it before it can be exercised against them.
Maybe I’ve just gone off at a bit of a tangent this week. ;)
Comment by: Mike O
3No, we believe that when we get to heaven, there will be no sin so innocence will be achieved. But it’s not something we “aspire to,” but rather “wait for.” With that said, though, we do strive for the unachievable goal of perfection here on earth. It’s unachievable, so that’s where forgiveness comes in.
My nature is to trust first and get burned before that trust is broken. I’m learning to amend that philosophy, though, by listening to people I trust about people I don’t know. For example, if my wife doesn’t trust someone, I’ll “hope for the best,” but they would have to prove her wrong. But I’d see what happens, sure.
My experience is that people just ignore you. They’re so self-centered that they don’t need you or notice you. Unless you get in their way.
Have you seen the movie “Pay it Forward”? it kind of speaks to this line of thought.
Comment by: Ir (Helen)
4Mike O wrote:
Yes, it’s helpful to remember this. I often think something is about me when it’s really about them.
I probably think that because I’m self-centered too :)
Comment by: Jason
5That makes sense in a way. Of course the truly innocent won’t need to forgive or be forgiven because the concepts of right and wrong don’t exist for those without values to impose on actions.
That’s true. Young children experience the world as an extension of their “self” so everything has interest and value. As we get older we tend to separate “self” from “other” and focus on things that benefit us or things we should avoid. There are some people who see the world as a very hostile place and treat it as something to be defended against. Most people aren’t like that and view most things as neutral.
Comment by: Mike O
6That’s an interesting distinction - children display their selfishness by being playing with kids they don’t know, and adults do so by protecting what’s theirs.
Put another way, when a 2-year old plays with another child, it’s becuase they want to - it’s for themselves. If an adult spends time with another adult they don’t know well, it will be because they should - it’s for the other guy. It’s an act of generosity even?
Comment by: Jason
7I don’t think that it is selfishness in the sense that you or I as adults would think of it. They are simply unaware that anything beyond the self exists. They also have little concept of what “self” actually is. Everything around them, including themselves, is of equal value and interest until they learn otherwise.
A child might play alone, with the extension of an environment (toys, pets, etc) or with others as part of the extended environment. The distinctions simply aren’t important. An adult has been taught that something belongs to them or someone else and feels that they have a right of ownership or care for something. This extends to other people as well. I don’t speak of my children as the children or Hil’s children but as my children. I’m aware that I in no way own them (that would be horrible) but I still have an almost proprietary interest in them.
A child spends time with another child because they want to, they are exploring life and their place in it. An adult has formed a position and ability to relate to life and their environment. Their interactions with others therefore serve some purpose beyond discovery of the self. I say that even though a large amount of the time I spend with others is trying to work out what motivates them and how that might provide some insight into my own motivations. Spending time with a stranger could well be generous if the motivation is not to gain unfairly from any exchange.
Comment by: Education | All Reason
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